A few weeks ago a close friend of mine convinced encouraged me to attend one of our school’s SAGA (Sexuality and Gender Acceptance) club. I was only vaugly aware of it at the time, mostly from their offhand mentions of it in the past. To say I was apprehensive would be an understatement exactly correct. When I got to the classroom, I was the first person there (as always), except for the teacher who sponsored the club (my history teacher from 2 year prior).
As other students started to arrive, I immediately noticed a difference between the people who were stepping through the doorway of the classroom, and myself. If that group was the most vibrant rainbow you had ever seen, I was little more than cellophane. I was defiantly the straightest person there.
As with most times I’m with a group of people I don’t know, I mostly just stood in the back of the room listening to everyone else’s conversations, and interjecting once or twice with an only slightly factoid or trademark bad joke. In other words, exactly how I always am, awkward.
None of this is to say that they aren’t caring, or kind, or friendly. They are some of the funniest, kindest people I’ve every met, but [main purpose alert] I don’t think it’s reasonable for me to expect to show up to one of their meeting (or more like 4 now) and immediately be everyone’s best friend. Most of them have known each other since before middle school, and I just met them (except for one) a few weeks ago. I want really badly to know all of them really well and have them trust me, but I’m pretty bad at making new friends.
I don’t know why I’m this way (if you do please let me know), but I think I don’t can’t let my guard down enough to start forming genuine connections, so I have to be satisfied with hanging back and just listening to everyone else. I want to take part in more conversations, I never have anything interesting to say or add to the conversation. I’m just plain, boring, me.
If any of them see this, I don’t want them to feel bad about me not “fitting in” very well. These things take time.
Vi
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